I have thought a lot about this post, and, as my next appointment with Susanne is in two days time, I have been digesting the outcome of our last session.
In essence, we completed work on my Blueprint. In other words, the things that have shaped my current thinking, and the way I react to life. It covers an enormous amount ground, ranging from important aspects of my birth, my mother and father’s state of mind at conception, through the pregnancy, and post birth. The fact that I was born through C section is more important than I imagined, and the reason I was born C-section. To me, life is a ‘near death experience’, tainted with guilt born out of what my parents were going through at the time.
All of this has shown itself through my reaction to life, relationships, and self preservation.
The details are not as important as the conclusions.
The most important points of conclusion are as follows:
I am: The Seducer in love and life.
I want to be: An Ordinary Person Able to Love.
My Destiny is: To Be Satisfied.
We began work on creating a new blueprint based on the above points of conclusion. A clear picture of where I want to be. It follows a similar process, except we create a new set of parameters. An example of this is where in my original blueprint, I made statements about my parents. Real statements about the real people. The people were not ideal. My father was never there, my mother was never happy. In my new blueprint, I make statements about the parents I want, who will offer the guidance and discipline I require to see myself through to my destiny. The next process will be to replace the real parents with the ideal ones in the the subconcious. The point will be to realise that the ideal parents are within, part of the higher self, which have always been there, but whose communication has been blocked by the reality of the real parents.
Sounds far fetched? Time will tell. I hope to start on regression and hypnosis this week. I am not sure we have enough time in one session to get through the new blue print.
Susanne does realise though, that I am very serious about my therapy. It has become for me a real learning curve, and I am as excited as a student wanting to soak up new material. I am learning so much about how the brain functions, how we are affected by unseen stimuli, how we have been affected through our birth process, and how important the learning process is prior to us being able to verbalise a defense.
Furthermore, aspects and incidents within my life that I have blamed many things on, are almost non-events in the bigger picture. We think we are affected by certain incidents (sexual abuse, death of a parent etc), but the blueprint has been there long before these events take place. And blaming these later events is a decoy to finding the more important issues, and really clouds our view of our destinies.
It has become an incredible experience of objective observation of my life.
The clarity of what I have been doing to myself to sabotage happiness and success is simply mind blowing. I could not sleep for several days after my last session. The realisation of the simplicity of it all, of seeing the fog suddenly lift has just been incredible.
Of course, just knowing what it is, doesn’t immediately allow changes. Habits are there. I still react in certain ways. For example; one of the issues I really battle with is that I constantly run a game of finding a partner, and the once I have that person, I really don’t want them anymore. The excitement of it all just loses its shine, and I am left wondering why I started the chase in the first place.
Case in Point:
I was introduced to this guy – we will call him Frodo – about two months ago by a cousin of mine who is in his early twenties. Frodo is 22, but looks underage. Fantasy meets reality. He kisses like an angel, the sex is explosive, the affection is enough to bring me to tears, his honesty is refreshing. He is ambitious, intelligent beyond his years, has a great body, and has very real feelings for me.
He just spent a week with me.
I am terrified. I don’t know whether what I feel for him is lust, love, control, fantasy, just trying to be different, or what? But I do know, that whatever it is, it is strong. Stronger than I felt in a long time.
But the question looms: Is it socially acceptable? And should I care? In other words, what are the real long term effects of this? Will I hurt yet another person? The same as I have hurt Gail, Nikki, Anneliese, Wesley, Ryno, Harry and others including myself?
The saga continues.
