One of the main reasons I initially went onto anti-depreesants seven years ago, was to quell the thoughts of suicide. I found myself planning down to the finest detail how I would do it, where, what time of day, even to the point of doing it in such a way that it would look accidental so that all life insurances would pay out and my wife at the time, and my children would be well looked after financially. I wrote suicide notes, and even bought things that I thought I would need to complete ‘the job’.
The medication worked, but the side effects were not what I wanted. I felt I was not being the person I was born to be. Last year, I came out of a two year regime on cipralex – a medication I do reccomend if you are into that kind of thing. Physical side effects were minimal, my sex drive was good, and so was performance. But apparently this is not the same for everyone, especially for women for whom the sexual side effects can be debilitating. Loss of orgasm is cited as one of the major drawbacks. For me, orgasm was more difficult to attain, but they were explosive and intense. And gay sex with the right partner and technique does not always require orgasm for both partners – but lets not go there now.
So I made this conscious decision to come off the medication, and chose to investigate other possibilities. I wanted to treat the cause, and not the symptoms. This is the reason I am doing this now with Susan, my darling therapist.
Having said this, the week before my latest session saw me sinking right back into suicidal mode. Not that I intend killing myself, it’s just the mode that is intensely irritating. It’s obsessive and annoying. I dream about dying, i even fantasise about it. But it subsided, and by the time session 7 arrived, I was feeling good again.
It was a late session this time, 5pm to 7pm in the evening. Elizabeth, the receptionist, left during the session, and the whole experience of being there completely alone with Susan was very different.
We started with a discussion of the depression stage, and she asked me to call her office if that happened again to see if I could be scheduled in. It is this type of state that our work would be better handled – her technique uses emotional pain for transformation. As we moved onto the dream discussion, I suddenly felt a wave of the same depression returning, and found myself fighting back tears. She immediately asked me to remove my glasses, remain where i was, and close my eyes.
Apparently it was the perfect timing to regress, and without the need for ‘the chair’ and its paraphernalia, I went from tears, to a state of desperately wanting to die. Without much effort on her part, I found myself fighting for my life in what I can only assume was the womb. I was surrounded by a grey flexible bubble, and suspended without gravity. I was kicking and trying to scream to get out, but my strength was failing, and eventually, I was only staring out to some void, praying for death. “I want to die, I want to Die,” I heard myself repeating.
I physically felt my self falling, accelerating. My eyes were closed, and I did not want to see. There was a deafening silence and I opened my eyes to find myself suspended in space. Everything was so incredibly crystal clear, and perfectly in focus. I was in utter awe, and felt I understood the magniutde of the universe. Understood the influence and interaction of every single atom, cell and molecule.
I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on my legs, and when I opened them again, I was lying in a field, another person. It was a very, very real experience, not one I want to downplay at all, despite the damned voice in my head telling me it is impossible.
At this point, Susan was prompting me to look down at my feet, to see the clothes I was wearing, well aware that I had regressed beyond the womb. All i could tell her was that my feet were dirty, but I was distracted by the intense feeling of love and the warmth of the sun.
I became aware of the love for a girl. An impossible love as I couldn’t have her. But I was lying in the filed, imagining being with her, experiencing the kind of love we experience when we are teenagers. I saw her face, but I can’t really recall it now. I was aware of a reddish barn off to the left in the distance, lit up by the late afternoon sun. I knew my name was Simon. Susan was prompting me to look around, but I was just annoyed because I was dreaming of the girl.
At some point, I became afraid. And I forced myself out of the experience. I opened my eyes and found myself back in the rooms, but yet it seemed a strange place. I recognised everything, yet it was a strange place. I never spoke for a long time, and everytime I closed my eyes, I was in love again. I cried some, but they were tears of love.
Eventually, I slowly emerged back into the presence. I laughed at the feeling I had in my chest. It was like a blue flame, much like the northern lights, that danced around.
My right hand had been on my thigh during the process, and as I moved it, I was thrown back to remember that during the process, I felt someone touch my leg. Susan told me that I was doing that for a long time during the last phase where I was experiencing Simon’s emotions. She asked me the year, and I simply said 1247.
It has been a few days now, and I can still recall the feeling by touching my leg.
