Wednesday 3 liner

Jess was sick today and spent the day with me. I hope she is well for our trip this weekend.

Worked like crazy on Howies photo’s today. He can’t make it tonight thank goodness, so it gives me tomorrow to finish off. I hate to rush.

Inspriration for the day:

Until the really “great” stuff comes along, do the not-so-great stuff.

The not-so-great stuff always leads to the great stuff. Whereas doing nothing pretty much leads to nowhere.

To Valentine or not?

A few weeks ago, My oldest daughter (9th grader) asked me to help her with a speech. The topic was ‘Celebrations’.

One of the topics that came up after a little brainstorming was that of what I call “commercial celebrations”. Valentine’s Day falls into that category for me. Quite honestly, in the grander scheme of things, commercioal celebrations of this sort just add to the clutter we create in our lives and communities. How much wasted paper is created out of card production alone I wonder.

I will state now – and will mention this in future posts – that I have had a strong feeling about 2012 and it’s significance to the human race since I was a teenager. As it approaches, despite thinking for years that it may be a Donnie Darko type end of the world scenario, I have a strong feeling that it is in actual fact going to be a turning point in our collective thinking – a point of critical mass if you like. Perhaps the real dawning of the Age of Aquarius. In this coming age, I see that as a matter of necessity, humankind will become absolutely consciously aware of our wastefulness.

It will be an age where material things become less important. My optimism extends to an extended period of peace previously never experienced throughout recorded history. A wave of global community perhaps created through an environmental disaster, or the threat thereof.

So I return to Valentines Day.

It is one of those unnecessary commercial days on our calendar which I foresee to be a little more muted this year due to the realization that collectively we can no longer pretend to afford such trivialities. Global recession is a warning sign.

Watch this space.

End of an era

Therapy has come to an end for now, mainly for financial reasons, though I will be going back in about a month for a one hour follow up.

A lot has happened between my last session and this post.  A lot of positive things though.  But I will continue only to post in my private journal until I return to therapy.

However……

I am writing again, and plan to have a part submission with a synopsis ready by the end of September and a search for a literary agent or publisher will begin.

I will record my writing progress here fort now

Oh what a tangled web we weave….

So I revived my profile on a local dating site about two weeks ago.

At some point, I get a mail from a really good looking 22yo, lets call him SD.  His profile is intelligently put together, and his mail carried the comment: If you are not afraid of our age gap, drop me a line.  Or something along those lines.  And of course I am not, and I did.

We met for drinks – I had backup arrive in the form of my straight friend Ian about two hours into the date, and we all got on famously.  We kissed when we left, and I invited him to dinner at my place later in the week.  He called me several times, sent me cute sms’s and e-mails.

Dinner went well, and we ended up on the couch, kissing and going through some simulated sex.  All in all, a really good evening.  The next day, he went in to have his wisdoms removed, and decided to surprise him by being there when he wakes up.

He loved that fact I was there, held my hand, cried a bit saying he never expected me there.  I gave him a lift home and met his father.  he sms’d me later saying his father thinks I am a great guy.

The downside of all of this, is the fact that he has just signed a three year contract to work in Dubai, and he leaves in a month.  I know this, and accept this.  This is the reason we discussed not going all the way, and just enjoy each other’s company while it lasts, and who knows? Perhaps things don’t work out for him overseas, and he will be back, and we can look at how things progress from there.

Last Friday, Wesley and I head off to Newscafe, something we had planned, and something SD is well aware of.  He knows of Wesley, and my very close relationship with him, and is perfectly ok with that.  Late in the evening, he calls me to say he is on his way home from his firned’s place, would he mind if he had a drink with us at Newscafe.  That was cool, and he did.  Him and Wes got on fine, and Wes offered to help him out with his laptop the following day.

Wes and I had breakfast the folwwoing morning, and he said to me that for the first time, he really approves of someone I am seeing.  He leaves to help Stroud, I leave to collect the girls to take them to Tap lessons.

Later, Wes sms’s me to say that SD is hitting on him, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  SD and I had made proivisional plans for the evening, so I wait for him to confirm, which he doesn’t.

Wes and I have coffee on Sunday.  He is annoyed, and says to me that he sms’d SD to tell him it wasn’t appropriate, as I am his best friend and he does’nt want me hurt.

Last night, SD is on MSN.  He asks me whats wrong, I say nothing.  He says he has to tell me something that may hurt me.  At the same time, I have Wes online too, and was conveying what is being said.  SO SD tells me he has feelings for Wesley, and didn’t mean it to happen this way.  So I tell him that I suspected from Wesleys language, and I am ok with it.  I can’t make him attracted to me.  This is an agreed response in quick consultation with Wes, as he is trying to figure a way to blow the guy off anyway, as he really doesn’t fall into his taste in age anyway.

So I say to SD that whatever he does, he mustn’t hurt Wesley.  So he asks how can he hurt him? So I say: You leaving in a month right?  He says goodbye, and goes offline.

He called Wesley four times afterwards last night.  Wesley is annoyed.  The plan is that they are having coffee later today, and Wesley is going to gently tell him to fuck off.

My irritation is not what happened, it’s the lies he expected me to believe.

OMG I am so irritated now……

I sometimes wonder where all of this is leading..

Depression and Session 7

One of the main reasons I initially went onto anti-depreesants seven years ago, was to quell the thoughts of suicide.  I found myself planning down to the finest detail how I would do it, where, what time of day, even to the point of doing it in such a way that it would look accidental so that all life insurances would pay out and my wife at the time, and my children would be well looked after financially.  I wrote suicide notes, and even bought things that I thought I would need to complete ‘the job’.

The medication worked, but the side effects were not what I wanted.  I felt I was not being the person I was born to be.  Last year, I came out of a two year regime on cipralex – a medication I do reccomend if you are into that kind of thing.  Physical side effects were minimal, my sex drive was good, and so was performance.  But apparently this is not the same for everyone, especially for women for whom the sexual side effects can be debilitating.  Loss of orgasm is cited as one of the major drawbacks.  For me, orgasm was more difficult to attain, but they were explosive and intense.  And gay sex with the right partner and technique does not always require orgasm for both partners – but lets not go there now.

So I made this conscious decision to come off the medication, and chose to investigate other possibilities.  I wanted to treat the cause, and not the symptoms.  This is the reason I am doing this now with Susan, my darling therapist.

Having said this, the week before my latest session saw me sinking right back into suicidal mode.  Not that I intend killing myself, it’s just the mode that is intensely irritating.  It’s obsessive and annoying.  I dream about dying, i even fantasise about it.  But it subsided, and by the time session 7 arrived, I was feeling good again.

It was a late session this time, 5pm to 7pm in the evening.  Elizabeth, the receptionist, left during the session, and the whole experience of being there completely alone with Susan was very different.

We started with a discussion of the depression stage, and she asked me to call her office if that happened again to see if I could be scheduled in.  It is this type of state that our work would be better handled – her technique uses emotional pain for transformation.  As we moved onto the dream discussion, I suddenly felt a wave of the same depression returning, and found myself fighting back tears.  She immediately asked me to remove my glasses, remain where i was, and close my eyes.

Apparently it was the perfect timing to regress, and without the need for ‘the chair’ and its paraphernalia, I went from tears, to a state of desperately wanting to die.  Without much effort on her part, I found myself fighting for my life in what I can only assume was the womb.  I was surrounded by a grey flexible bubble, and suspended without gravity.  I was kicking and trying to scream to get out, but my strength was failing, and eventually, I was only staring out to some void, praying for death. “I want to die, I want to Die,” I heard myself repeating.

I physically felt my self falling, accelerating.  My eyes were closed, and I did not want to see.  There was a deafening silence and I opened my eyes to find myself suspended in space.  Everything was so incredibly crystal clear, and perfectly in focus.  I was in utter awe, and felt I understood the magniutde of the universe. Understood the influence and interaction of every single atom, cell and molecule.

I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on my legs, and when I opened them again, I was lying in a field, another person.  It was a very, very real experience, not one I want to downplay at all, despite the damned voice in my head telling me it is impossible.

At this point, Susan was prompting me to look down at my feet, to see the clothes I was wearing, well aware that I had regressed beyond the womb.  All i could tell her was that my feet were dirty, but I was distracted by the intense feeling of love and the warmth of the sun.

I became aware of the love for a girl.  An impossible love as I couldn’t have her.  But I was lying in the filed, imagining being with her, experiencing the kind of love we experience when we are teenagers.  I saw her face, but I can’t really recall it now.  I was aware of a reddish barn off to the left in the distance, lit up by the  late afternoon sun. I knew my name was Simon.  Susan was prompting me to look around, but I was just annoyed because I was dreaming of the girl.

At some point, I became afraid.  And I forced myself out of the experience.  I opened my eyes and found myself back in the rooms, but yet it seemed a strange place.  I recognised everything, yet it was a strange place.  I never spoke for a long time, and everytime I closed my eyes, I was in love again.  I cried some, but they were tears of love.

Eventually, I slowly emerged back into the presence.  I laughed at the feeling I had in my chest.  It was like a blue flame, much like the northern lights, that danced around.

My right hand had been on my thigh during the process, and as I moved it, I was thrown back to remember that during the process, I felt someone touch my leg.  Susan told me that I was doing that for a long time during the last phase where I was experiencing Simon’s emotions. She asked me the year, and I simply said 1247.

It has been a few days now, and I can still recall the feeling by touching my leg.

Birthday Bungle

And I wasn’t aware it was W’s birthday today. We had breakfast this morning because a) he is going away tomorrow for ten days and b) I needed to clear up the kiss incident and c) just plain moral support cos of my session today.

He sms’d me later to say that he didn’t even get a birthday hug from me

Oi vey….