And Speaking of Anneliese

Last Saturday, I received a desperate sms from her. I was nowhere near a landline, and I was shopping with Frodo. I eventually went to my mom’s place and sent her the number.  No call.  Yes, I worried.  Yes, I know she is going through extreme turbulence.  Yes, I know she is generally turbulence personified.

Some History:

She was my first real love, my first real kiss. She is the sister of my best friend in primary school.  We had two brief intense relationships. Once when I was 12, the second when I was 22. In neither case was there sex.

I mean a lot to her.  Too much for me I think.  She will be here in July.  This is good.  Mostly. I look forward to seeing her kids too, they are little jewels. I do miss her so. Her voice has connotations from and era past.  A good era for me.  before the shit hit the fan basically.  I think I mean the same to her, for the same reasons.

I once said to her a long time ago that we would probably end up being two old fogies together, sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, drinking some form of alcohol, still smoking, giggling about the ‘old days’.

My guess is that it would be her and Nikki and me on the porch.  I wish they knew each other.  jealousy is so unnecessary.  What is there to be jealous about.  I cannot change who I know.  It is a prerequisite for any new relationship for me.  I have history – a long anf full one.  And it involves people. Perhaps I give the impression with everyone I meet, that they are the ‘only one’. No-one will ever be the only one.  There just are too many.

This is an excerpt from a larger story, but it describes our first kiss – my first kiss.  It can be replayed at whim in my mind.  Some of the external details are not what they were, but the essence is there:

The Kiss

So there they were in the little flat in the city.  Werner loved to cook, and they all loved to eat.  Much more than Stephen could.  God, they ate and ate and ate.  Then they listened to some Mozart or Beethoven, or something classical anyway.  Quite honestly, Stephen was hating it.  Hating all of it except hearing Annelieze’s laughter.  It was like sweet rain in a desert.  It jingled and danced.  Her whole being laughed.  It just simply lit up the room, and the suburb, hell, it lit up his universe.  Could this be the beginning of the thing they called love?  The very week he was due to go away to some place no where near her universe?  The universe where stars danced, and comets smiled.  God, life was a real bitch!

The flat was small.  Werner and sister shared a room.  Two pine bunks were arranged in an L-shape so that the heads were together.  Stephen got the one bed, Annelieze was not going to be put out of her own bed.  Werner was on a mattress on the floor.

After an hour or so of match poker, lights were out, and they settled in for the night. The way Stephen usually slept, his right arm became his pillow and his hand extended beyond the end of the bed.  Just as sleep crept up on him, she touched his hand with hers. Could it be on purpose, or had she just shifted in her sleep?  He didn’t care.  It was a touch. And it was electric.  Power flowed between them.  She pretended to shift again in her sleep, and turned so that more of her arm rested against his.  It was if their arms had become their entire bodies up against one another.  He could smell her toothpaste breathe, and feel the pulse in her wrist, or was it his own heart racing?  He began to sweat.  They shifted, both pretending to be asleep, so that more surface area of each others skin to could touch, could brush against each other.  He became aware that he wasn’t breathing, or he didn’t seem to be breathing.  He felt the fine hair of his arm against hers.  He felt her move closer, they were inhaling each others breaths.  Their lips just touched, caressed. In some ancient ritual dance. Touch, breathe, touch, breathe. Soon, they were literally gripping each other between the pine head board planks.  Instinct kicked in, and what was meaningless lip locking with the girl down the road two weeks before, suddenly became erotic.  With no prior instruction, tongues touched, wet mouths exchanged fluids, bodies moved as close as they could without being in the same bed.  Their minds seemed to merge as their senses took them to a place where there was nothing but the taste of each other.  A place where time was not a concept, where space was just space, to a universe where nothing existed but the two of them.  He felt he needed to be in bed with her, their bodies locked together.  She felt it too, but they both feared Werner waking.  He would be devastated.  Stephen was HIS friend, not her boyfriend.  They were thinking the same thing.  It was a thought that gradually, like a sneaky draught in a cozy warm room, which found its way in through closed doors and windows, crept up on them, and gently closed the curtains on the most exhilarating act of his life so far.

The breathing slowed, the tongues became lip caressing, then just became breathing.  For the first time, they both opened their eyes and looked directly at each other.  She was wearing that knowing smile most of us dream about seeing most of our lives. A squeeze of his hand, and she turned and fell asleep.

The long awaited analysis

I have thought a lot about this post, and, as my next appointment with Susanne is in two days time, I have been digesting the outcome of our last session.

In essence, we completed work on my Blueprint.  In other words, the things that have shaped my current thinking, and the way I react to life.  It covers an enormous amount ground, ranging from important aspects of my birth, my mother and father’s state of mind at conception, through the pregnancy, and post birth.  The fact that I was born through C section is more important than I imagined, and the reason I was born C-section.  To me, life is a ‘near death experience’, tainted with guilt born out of what my parents were going through at the time.

All of this has shown itself through my reaction to life, relationships, and self preservation.

The details are not as important as the conclusions.

The most important points of conclusion are as follows:

I am: The Seducer in love and life.

I want to be: An Ordinary Person Able to Love.

My Destiny is: To Be Satisfied.

We began work on creating a new blueprint based on the above points of conclusion.  A clear picture of where I want to be.  It follows a similar process, except we create a new set of parameters.  An example of this is where in my original blueprint, I made statements about my parents.  Real statements about the real people.  The people were not ideal.  My father was never there, my mother was never happy. In my new blueprint, I make statements about the parents I want, who will offer the guidance and discipline I require to see myself through to my destiny.  The next process will be to replace the real parents with the ideal ones in the the subconcious.  The point will be to realise that the ideal parents are within, part of the higher self, which have always been there, but whose communication has been blocked by the reality of the real parents.

Sounds far fetched?  Time will tell.  I hope to start on regression and hypnosis this week.  I am not sure we have enough time in one session to get through the new blue print.

Susanne does realise though, that I am very serious about my therapy.  It has become for me a real learning curve, and I am as excited as a student wanting to soak up new material.  I am learning so much about how the brain functions, how we are affected by unseen stimuli, how we have been affected through our birth process, and how important the learning process is prior to us being able to verbalise a defense.

Furthermore, aspects and incidents within my life that I have blamed many things on, are almost non-events in the bigger picture.  We think we are affected by certain incidents (sexual abuse, death of a parent etc), but the blueprint has been there long before these events take place.  And blaming these later events is a decoy to finding the more important issues, and really clouds our view of our destinies.

It has become an incredible experience of objective observation of my life.

The clarity of what I have been doing to myself to sabotage happiness and success is simply mind blowing.  I could not sleep for several days after my last session.  The realisation of the simplicity of it all, of seeing the fog suddenly lift has just been incredible.

Of course, just knowing what it is, doesn’t immediately allow changes.  Habits are there. I still react in certain ways.  For example; one of the issues I really battle with is that I constantly run a game of finding a partner, and the once I have that person, I really don’t want them anymore.  The excitement of it all just loses its shine, and I am left wondering why I started the chase in the first place.

Case in Point:

I was introduced to this guy – we will call him Frodo – about two months ago by a cousin of mine who is in his early twenties.  Frodo is 22, but looks underage.  Fantasy meets reality.  He kisses like an angel, the sex is explosive, the affection is enough to bring me to tears, his honesty is refreshing.  He is ambitious, intelligent beyond his years, has a great body, and has very real feelings for me.

He just spent a week with me.

I am terrified.  I don’t know whether what I feel for him is lust, love, control, fantasy, just trying to be different, or what?  But I do know, that whatever it is, it is strong.  Stronger than I felt in a long time.

But the question looms:  Is it socially acceptable? And should I care? In other words, what are the real long term effects of this?  Will I hurt yet another person? The same as I have hurt Gail, Nikki, Anneliese, Wesley, Ryno, Harry and others including myself?

The saga continues.

New Poem

Oh, and check out Desiderata in my Poems page… It is ESSENTIAL ESSENTIAL ESSENTIAL ESSENTIAL reading, and preferrably memorisation.

A thought about the sexes

Just because I am a man in love with a man, it does not mean I think like a woman. In fact I think that a gay man thinks more like a man is designed to think, than a pre-conditioned heterosexual man in today’s society.

Any thoughts?

Birthday Bungle

And I wasn’t aware it was W’s birthday today. We had breakfast this morning because a) he is going away tomorrow for ten days and b) I needed to clear up the kiss incident and c) just plain moral support cos of my session today.

He sms’d me later to say that he didn’t even get a birthday hug from me

Oi vey….

Session 3 – 2hrs: Blueprint and a start on where we want to head.

I will edit this page later, and also scan my blueprint.

For now, I have to digest a bit, and do dinner with Ivan who was up from Plett for a meeting today. Also have to finish some work for Howard before 11pm tonight.

Breathe……

So did I? Or didn’t I?

I am currently submerged in a huge conundrum.

Eternally in love with W. Sleeping with JL. Suddenly, this past weekend, the JL connection shows signs of jumping a level. I call W – as I always do in a crisis in matters of the heart or penis. Rather than meet at McGinty’s, I invite him over to my new place. It is empty still, but I have hung curtains and filled the fireplace with pine cones and hardwood. I buy two bottles of wine, an opener, and can’t find glasses in time.

We drink wine out the bottle, and sit on the carpet in front of the fire. We have a power outage, so candles are burning on the matelpiece.

I tell him about the JL issue, we discuss back an forth. And then we kiss.

He sees Susanne today (our mutual shrink).

I see her tomorrow.

We have lots to discuss with her.

The last time I told him I loved him was nearly three years ago. It sent him running. If he runs this time, I will know.

ME:

I needed to show you
and you to show me
that this is not just a friendship.
Don’t run
Stay my friend
I will be yours

W:

Wont run from friendship from you ever! I know you needed to show me…
I’m just so confuzzled now….

You been an amazing friend

So here I am

Welcome to my world. I have been an LJ’er for a few years now, and decided I am going to start fresh right here. I haven’t decided yet, but may migrate some stuff from my LJ over here. Especially regarding my relationships.

One of the reasons I want to start fresh, is that I have recently started seeing a psychologist – something I have been promising myself for years, and can finally afford to do (for now). Why? Well, mainly because I felt that I have been stuck in a cycle of self sabotage for a long time. This cycle affects my relationships as well as my career – which is pretty much all the important stuff that life is about.

This particular phsycologist also uses hypnosis and past life regression techniques – two areas of thought that have fascinated me. Right now, we are just in the beginning stages. This basically involves figuring out what thought patterns have created my current life blueprint. The next phase will be to create a new blueprint, using hypnosis and other conventional methods, such as meditation, “prayer”, self affirmations etc.

I am also using this forum to summarise our sessions so that I can personally track my progress.

Still figuring how to best use this site, so in the beginning it is going to be be a stop start thing.